Inexpressible

I couldn’t see the point of getting up, I had nothing to look forward to.

What do I want out of a man?

Bah, I don’t know. My therapist told me to make a list, but honestly, I’m stumped. 

Is it bad that all I need is a man that won’t hit me? A man that won’t force me to do things I don’t want to do? 

I was thinking about it, and there are things I want.  Completely unreasonable, unrealistic, and unfeasible. 

I want a man who I can pray with, read the bible with, who pulls me closer to God. 

I want a man who understands me. Who understands how badly I need to be affirmed verbally. Who understands my hopes and fears. 

I want a man who sees through me. I don’t want him to see the me I put on display. I want him to look past the empty words of how “okay” I am. I want him to see the hurt and the pain and the scars that years of abuse have left. 

And I want him to love me despite that. I want him to see the good in me despite all the bad. I don’t want to have to lie anymore. 

I want a man who makes me feel so safe that I don’t even want to lie to him. 

I want a man who protects me. Who doesn’t want another guy to look at me, much less touch me. Who stands up for me, to my parents, to Whit, to my brother, to whoever needs to be stood up to.

I want a man who makes me feel like the only girl in the world. Cheesy line from an equally cheesy Rihanna song? Possibly. But that’s what I want. I don’t want to always feel like I’m not as good as the other girls out there. I know there are prettier, sexier, funnier, all around better girls out there. But I want him to love me so much that I forget. 

I want a man who doesn’t just use me for my body. I want a man who loves God more than anything else. I want a man who respects me and demands respect for me even when I won’t ask for it myself. I want a man who puts my needs above his own even when I won’t let him. 

I know it’s unrealistic. But if this was a perfect world, that’s what I would want.